Sometimes I think I don’t deserve happiness and nice things because I’ve spoilt what could have been. What I mean is I could have had something that other people want so bad (and I’ve wanted so bad), but I screw it up, or I decide I don’t want it. And then later when I’m unhappy about it or a similar issue, I blame myself and tell myself ‘well, you don’t deserve good things anymore.’ I know I’m being very vague, because in a sense the topic I’m tip-toeing around is fairly personal. But I know this idea that we blame and punish ourselves for something that is actually kind of out of our hands isn’t just unique to me.
The root of these feelings I guess are guilt. Guilt because you think you stopped that thing that was going to make you happy, therefore why the hell should you have an opportunity again? The thing is, it wouldn’t have made you happy at that time, in those circumstances. And that’s how this quote comes into play: “Don’t allow your wounds to turn you into a person you are not.” We should not be victims to our own choices, and we shouldn’t punish ourselves for them either. They were right for us then and in the long run, it’ll work out for the best. And if not? We make another choice to turn it around and find the best way to gain happiness.
Like I said, I know this is a little on the vague side. It was more of a ‘thinking out loud’ post; something I can read back later to remind myself it’s okay to want things in life that make me happy. Perhaps my ambiguity will allow you to relate? Who knows?