The problem with almosts

As a twenty-two and a half year old woman, the outstanding fact that I’ve never had a relationship bothers me. As things go, it’s not a huge issue and I’m aware — painfully aware — that I am not alone in my solo sailing boat, that plenty of my friends and other people my age have yet to resign themselves and latch on to another human being. And I know, yes, I know, that I am ‘still young’; ‘there is time’ and I ‘will meet someone someday’. But, the thing is, in less you’ve dealt with the same kind of levels of self-esteem issues, in less you’ve battled with the insecurities about my body and those that live in my head, telling myself I’m not worth it… Then, piece by piece, build yourself back up and are still left hanging, you won’t get it. And you won’t experience quite how it starts to eat away at all you’ve worked on.

I’ve learnt the hard way not to seek validation in the people you’re falling for. I know that doesn’t work, that the cliché saying of ‘you’ve got to love yourself before you expect anyone else to’ isn’t so completely awful. There’s actually a tragic truth in it that it burns me a little to hear. But, when you’ve begun to reach my age and you’ve seen everyone else, siblings and friends, start their romantic entanglements in their teens, or at the cusp of adulthood, you begin to question whether there is something unloveable about you. Whether anyone will ever see the qualities you admire in yourself, like that you’re a little bit weird in your sense of humour, but you crack some damn good jokes. That you’d never change yourself to fit in or to seem cooler. That you read a lot and you goddamn better believe you read what you like, same goes for music. That you’re a touch dorky and, sure, you’re not blindingly beautiful, but you’re cute and there’s a part of you that can really appreciate those cute odds. And no amount of solid appreciation can be enough in a string of almosts.

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Deep like like…

That day left a bad taste in my mouth. I was readily prepared not to let it have this power over me. I felt like I was in a relatively good place to deal with Valentines Day and all its romantic gestures and overpriced bouquets of roses that, yeah, are pretty flipping extortionate but I definitely wouldn’t mind receiving. Honestly, I genuinely thought and still think I am okay with being single. I went on a date recently, and whilst it was nice there was no spark. We’re better suited as friends and that’s fine. It’s just reinstated my beliefs that no one should settle. That whilst epic love is probably one for the story books, it doesn’t mean I have to live with something that simply fizzles. I want it to catch fire. So, trust me, I’m cool with being a singleton if it means finding the real deal one day.

What is not cool is working on that dreaded day in retail and seeing the mad dash for last minute bits and that one girl who looked way too smug clutching her heart-shaped helium balloon as she strolled around the store. It reminded me of my solidarity, of the fact I’ve been single for forever (literally), and that I’ve barely even experienced the cusp of romance, relationships… Any of it. But then I read the lovely Grace’s post, ‘5 on the 14th.‘  and it made me want to carve out my few and far between brushes with love, or at least… intense like like, and treasure them for what they are even if they’re not much of anything. So here goes.

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‘This Time Next Year’ tag

Hello. Looks like I’m back for some more self-reflecting (oh no), courtesy of Pippa over at Pippa Posts, AKA my uni chum, who tagged me to do the ‘This Time Next Year’ tag. Essentially, it’s based off of the ITV show, in which people share the changes they’d like to make within the next three hundred and sixty-five days and then, through the magic of television, we get to fast forward and see how they did. Yes, British TV is just that good. But I do love the idea of making some resolutions for 2017, especially as 2016 was a little on the ‘meh’ scale. Let’s get motivated and do this. Yes? Yes.

So… The Rules:

  • Thank the person who tagged you.
  • Write your goals for next year.
  • Write how you’re going to achieve your goals.
  • Tag at least five of your blogger friends to share their goals.
  • If you wish, in 365 days write a post about whether or not you were successful!

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Another year gone (hello, 2017)

For the past two years, the one semi-consistent thing I’ve done with this blog is write myself a letter at the end of each year. A letter explaining how I’m dealing with life mentally and physically, and what the past three hundred and sixty-five days have brought me. It started in 2014 and carried on in 2015. I wanted to monitor my progression and see just what a difference a year can truly make. So here I am again, about to read over what I had to say for myself when 2016 was just around the corner and reflect on what a year it’s been. This one’s for you, Alice of 2017.

It’s safe to say 2016 has been pretty turbulent, both from a personal perspective and in the grand scheme of our world. Between Brexit and Donald Trump, the many heartbreaking deaths of some of our most iconic heroes, and the upheaval and injustices all around the world, it has quite literally felt like hell on Earth. A shit storm, if you will. And that’s not mentioning 2016 Alice’s own rollercoaster of a year. (I hate, hate, hate that metaphor, but I can never think of anything better. Maybe you can, future me.)

lot has happened and I want to list some of the highlights, because goddamn we need some positivity up in here. So. Highlights… (We can focus on the negatives a bit later.)

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