As of late, it feels like I’ve been getting a lot of knock-backs. Thankfully I’m a lot better off in myself than I was maybe even this time last year that my bones aren’t aching from barely clinging on. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t any less difficult to take. In a lot of ways I’ve been quite lucky in that for whatever reason, whether good timing or the hard work put in (give credit where credit is due, c’mon), I’ve generally landed on my feet. Now though it seems a bit like life is kicking me in the butt.
“Oh, you’re feeling somewhat stable now? Take that!”
To add to the growing list, I failed my theory test. Well, I failed it by the necessary marks needed to, you know, pass it. But in my eyes, I actually kind of smashed it. (I failed by one mark and I expected a lot, lot worse.)
Life’s been busy and I’ve not given my revision the time it really needed. But what’s new? Revision was always something I struggled to grasp at school.
I’m owning my failure though. I even shared it in a short Instagram story and it seemed to help other people knowing we’re all taking hits everyday, but somehow miraculously carrying on.
It’s not always a fun thing to do. Sharing bad news over the good rarely is. But maybe as humans we need to make a pact to do it more. To hold our hands up and say, “I messed up”, “I failed”, “I didn’t do as well well as I expected.” Not so much to wallow in it, but to shatter this perfect image we create, especially online.
The impact is invisible, but it’s there. It’s the same as seeing perfect body after perfect body as you go about your morning scroll through Instagram. It’s braving Facebook and being hit by new jobs and engagement and pregnancy announcements, tucking yourself a little further back into bed, closing the app and hiding your phone away beneath the covers. Squeezing your eyes shut, because rationally you know you’re not ready for that, but my god does it make you feel inadequate anyway.
I’m not saying we should air every bit of dirty laundry we have on the internet. But maybe there’s something healthy about owning our failures and making other’s feel less alone suffering quietly with their own.
It’s easy for me to say. I failed, but by one mark. It’ll be a lot less easy to say if I fail for a second time, whether by one mark or more, because then it’s as though I’ve learnt nothing since.
But sometimes, every now and then, it seems as though we need to remind each other and actually more so ourselves that we’re human. That life is as much about making mistakes and picking ourselves back up as it is being proud of our achievements.
I didn’t do as well as I hoped, in my theory test but also in other things that happened in August. But watch me pick myself back up and try again. And maybe fail a few more times along the way. That’s just life.