What my dating profile should say

I’m going to come right out with my grandma statement and just say it: everything is online these days and I can’t stand it. Actually, that’s a lie. I love social media, I love the internet. But I don’t love online dating, if you can call my own attempts dating. And that’s part of the problem. I have a very jaded view on the prospects of finding anyone to date in my very small, not-a-lot-happening area. I also hate the concept of dating apps, even though I get it. It’s the future. It’s where we’re at.

And although I can’t say I did much in the way of dating before Tinder and Bumble came along, I liked the fact that to get in a position where you could date someone, you had to have already had some kind of face to face action. That you had even the smallest glimpse of who and what they were about, even if it was literally what they actually looked and sounded like. Not to be shallow; my concern is actually how they’d respond to me IRL having met through a dumb app. Because none of us look exactly like our selfies. And, I know for me personally, a confidence otherwise unknown talking to icky boys can be found behind a screen e.g. I am a bumbling, rambly, word vomity mess in person when I’m riddled with nerves and not 100% comfortable.

Even though I detest it all, I’ve decided to more actively online date. Beyond swiping through and getting a short term ego boost when cute people match with me, that is. So I thought we’d get all cards on the table. Here’s what my dating profile would actually say (to fade out all the pointless nobodies who aren’t in it for the long haul and for your amusement, obviously).

The Classic ‘Interests’ Question

Do my hobbies give off the impression that I enjoy spending time with people? Probably not. I promise I’m a social being in the right setting. Reading and writing have always been my real forté. I actually blog, but don’t go asking to see on the first date. I carve out a lot of myself and put it right here for safe keeping, so I’m probably going to keep it under wraps for now. If all goes wrong, you might find yourself on here, hidden between ellipsis.

I also like photography, though I guess all I really have to show for that is an Instagram feed I’m much too proud of considering everyone is good at Instagram. If I had more time and, really, more money, I’d probably invest more into my Canon DSLR, but I don’t, so my iPhone is the extent of it. I guess this all shows me to a creative type. That’s me.

Not to freak you out, but feminism. That’s pretty freakin’ radical and if you’re not onboard with that, there’s probably not much point in you pulling a chair up. Cats are also my spirit animal, but I’m cool with dogs, too. Just in case that’s a dealbreaker.

But What Do You Do?

I detest this question, partly because I know I’m not quite where I want to be and partly because my job feels so complex to explain, even though it’s not… that complex. A bit of admin and a bit of writing. It’s pretty cool for the time being.

Music and Stuff

I am not ashamed of my music tastes. It’s eclectic, I guess. Maybe you’ll find something you like between the chaos. But yes, Harry Styles is bae. He was in 1D, too. Miley Cyrus has also been my queen since I was about thirteen, so that love ain’t going anywhere anytime soon. Largely, I sit somewhere in the pop/punk/rock/acoustic vibe. Really, I’ll listen to anything you ask me to and give it a chance.

Films… I’m less opinionated. Disney is life, right? Harry Potter, too. (Books above all else, obvs.) I’m probably going to be clueless if you mention an arty film, or some huge award winning title, though I’m trying to consume more of the stuff that’s meant to be making bold statements. Really, though, I just want to curl up with a trashy chick flick or rom-com. Netflix and chill, yeah?

Musicals are cool. I love musical theatre.

Little Things

I come from a massive family. Like, 1 of 5 massive. I’m the baby. I’ll refrain from listing all their names, plus partners and children, because you won’t get the hang of it for a long time. Even my dad gets us confused sometimes.

Speaking of, my dad has unique interests. Sorry, but you’re not likely to have cute sport/car chat, although he’s pretty amazing at the mechanics of cars when he needs to be. He’s actually a steam engine enthusiast and bell ringer. It’s been passed down the generations for a while and my brother is hooked in on it, too.

Women poo. Not gunna lie, this is one of those things I dread about early relationships. Tip-toeing around as if we don’t poo and fart like troopers. Also, side note: Farts? Yeah, they’re hilarious. Sorry, not sorry.

Emotional Baggage (for beyond ‘just dating’ I suppose)

As a 23-year-old, I feel deeply embarrassed by my lacklustre string of past ‘things’ that were barely… anything. Perhaps it’s more common than I’ve led myself to believe, but I feel like one of the last single people on this earth who hasn’t had a substantial relationship.

You’ll meet me and my… inexperience, I guess(?) will be obvious. I’m awkward and a bit gawky in atmospheres electrified by attraction, or where there is potential for it, at the least. I don’t know what to do with myself, with my body and also with my thoughts. I’m kind of a hot mess… But I’m holding out you’ll find it endearing?

I’m deeply insecure, so you’ll have to bare with me. I know everyone has their insecurities, but mine run deep, getting into my veins and taking control. If I start to push, maybe hold on a little tighter. The thought of a relationship petrifies me just as much as it excites me. Being vulnerable and allowing someone to break you is… a thing that runs through my mind over and over. It’s exhilarating, yes. But I’ve drowned in thoughts of not being good enough, asking myself ‘Why would they want me? They’re way out of my league’. And it’s dumb. It’s completely stupid. I’m learning to be kinder to myself, but… yeah. Just be in it for the internal fights, I guess?

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